I was abused as a child. Okay not the horrific abuse that far too many children suffer with, but a form of abuse, none the less.

It’s taken me many years, and lots of heart felt chats with my older sister to reach this conclusion; she remembers a lot more than I do.  Just because it wasn’t physical in any way doesn’t make it easier to deal with. And in fact, the realisation that it was abusive and not ‘normal’ came as a weird shock, and almost a relief – not an excuse, but a reason for the voices, the need to control and cut, the chaotic energy fluxes, the fear of the box, the importance of an internal portcullis, and all those other issues that I live with on a daily basis.

As an adult, so many years later, these issues have remained and have shaped who I am, but rather than submitting to them, I fight. I accept, but I fight. I’m not sure if they’ve made me stronger, or if it’s an act. I try to be honest within myself, open myself up for self analysis, but sometimes that honesty is hard to locate.

My sister found a form of acceptance within self help books, but I couldn’t work with that crystal,  lovey dovey crap (okay, okay, just my opinion). But then someone mentioned Tolle:


And that was that – it made perfect sense, spoke to me in a way I could follow, peaceful, quiet, stillness suddenly. Relief. I guess there’s a path for all of us, whatever the terrain.

So, has my past made me an ‘effective’ domme? What is an effective domme anyway?

Whatever has culminated in the present me, whether it be a result of abuse, or past abusive relationships (oh yes, I had those too! http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/), I am working on becoming whole.

I listen to my sub, I work with him, I understand him, and him me. I would call that effective. We are both fulfilled, and as a result, are better people, more complete, and thus, more internally honest.

So many within the kink community have suffered abuse, and it’s created what we are, or what we lean towards. What determines whether the abused turns towards a submissive path, or like me,  the need to dominate?

Was that nature within us anyway? Did the abuser sense that and either need to subdue the fight within us, or misuse the subordinate? Nature vs nurture?

In many cases, the abused feels that the ‘punishment’ we, as doms, inflict is deserved; for example, a male sub who suffered at the hands of his father, may feel the need to be feminised (and we must be so careful not to overstep their boundaries – push, but never too far), especially if he was mocked for showing fear or pain. So, in this example, is a sissy born or created?

Again, just wanking in the dark.